love me tender

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Every passing moment, every single day,

Things just get worst.

'Why wasnt i born into a different family?'

Yes, that thought do crawl into my head sometimes.

I know there's up and also down. The essence of life.

But when things always go wrong, who can i blame?

I tried my best but no one believe in what i see.

So what do i do now? What can i do now?

Can i run away as fast and as far as i can go?

Run and never to return?

Is it worth fighting over it?

Am i even worth fighting for?

I don't need you to appreciate what i have done and not done for all of them.

But what i need is for you to care for them.

I know i am independent. So don't bother about me.

I have others who can love me.

Ady n Monsters

But they have no one to turn to other than myself and most importantly, you.

You and him can be in turmoil.

You and that fucker can have a ball of a time.

But that does not relieve you from your responsibilities.

I am only here to help.

NOT to take over your place.

There is a difference.

Yes, i am capable of doing.

But it's not like you're dead.

How long more can i go on?

When can i raise my head and taste the courage?

When can i move forward when others behind me are falling apart?

Life is as it is. But we choose how we want to live it.

And im sure and am correct as hell u're making the wrong choices.

Labels: Life

BANG!
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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Amidst all the chaos, i was blessed with this bunch. They never fail to make me smile. They are one of the reasons why i am still smiling thru the chaos. The other reason is of course, none other than my Baby...

The Almost perfect picture

With a little touch of magic, it is now PERFECT.

Tetek

More tetek

Sexy pocong

5 pairs of tetek

Teteks with shades

More Tetek II (This pix is brighter than the top one cos they used MY handphone camera)

Need i say more?

Nice teteks

B's & C's cup

If i were a boy..I would fuck you real good...

My other boyfriend

Missed the tetek. Should have taken lower.

Candid teteks

Best Tetekies

Undecided Tetek

Sunset in the background

Nature's Beauty

Post outing

While waiting for our men, we snap.

Zie & Tetek

Zie & Tetek again

tEtek & Mark Anthony (hehe)

Muka kau lagy....

BB & teTek

Mark & tEtek

tetEk & Ady

Looking forward to our short trip to Batam. 1st ferry it is and last ferry we shall take. Maybe after that go mamam? We always end our outings with mamam-ing right..Bz bz bz i will be. So if nk meet up or wat do RSVP asap ok. MUack!! Love n Miss u teteks...

Labels: Teteks

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Saturday, September 27, 2008

I am so damn lazy yesterday, today and for sure tomorrow. Let alone every other day. Which is probably why i havent got a job?? Nk blog pun lazy. I know Nana...i havent send my resume yet. But Dayah HR assist called me yesterday to go for an interview on Mon morning. So i shall see my chances on Mon and will continue to search for a career. But what do i really want as a career? Oh yeah...i havent figure that out. Maybe that's y i still havent got a job. Gosh...honestly, i just got that. Now i have to ponder what i really want as my career. Arrgh....so lazy to think.

Now i only eat, sleep, wake up super late, bath, n eat agn i gez?

Boring nyer hidup aku!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok wait probably not so boring...cos i met Azrul few days back to break fast at Fork n Spoon Toa Payoh. They have the yummiest Tom Yam Seafood Soup ever!! Den he bought me a Billabong purse, long purse btw (it's so not me), cos he said the purse that i have now, or shall i say used to have, is the most horrendous purse he has ever seen. He called it the "wallet jaring2 kau". Rmbr gals wen we went to Queensway shopping centre back in the old days and bought those black purse. It was less than $5 i tink. Hahaha..."wallet jaring2 kau". It has been with me for wat? 4 years plus or so?? He was so persistent and determine to get me a new purse that he dragged us to Junction 8 to go looking for 1. After e tiring search, we settled down at Coffee Bean for a cuppa and brownies. While waiting for me to get an LV or Dior or maybe Burberrys purse, i guess i have to settle on Billabong. Ah...my bulb just got lighted. I sud hint that to Ady so that he will get me the above-named purse or better still, a handbag. :) Kaa-Ching!!

From a 52" waist

To a 44" waist

Very impressive..

You go boy!!!

I look like i am e younger sister don't i? Yea..Sheeryn potong rambut pendek skali...

Senyum eah? Balik practice Maths kau!

Oh btw gals...i'll be getting those cash from the government soon...HAHA

Miz u babes

BANG!
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Monday, September 08, 2008

Been bz doing nothing.
Still jobless..haha
So at home jdi e 2nd Bibik.
Home now is no longer a home.
I do have to admit we are squatters cos we pay no rent.
Having some issues with the owners who are mummy's own lil bro n sis-in-law.
Basically it all started with their Setan son!!
Den my aunt nw like shit.
I dunno y we still wan to cover uncle's ass.
If only she knows that mmy has been paying the utilities bill fully n nt half of it.
Confirm malu one...
Then uncle also a pain in the ass.
EEE!!!! Geram nyer aku...

If they wanna be a bitch to us, I can be double the bitch.
If they wanna be calculative with us, I can be double calculative.
From the detergent that u ppl used, to the food that my Mother bought, to the telephone calls that u guys made, to the outings and treats that my Mother paid for! (n sometimes kau yg ajak mak aku kuar)

Juz because my parents got loads of cash b4, each time we go out to eat or wateva, e wife will go like "u jgn nk order byk2 tau. kite mane ade duit"
Puh-lease lah...ive worked wit u b4 so i noe how much u earned.
My uncle brings home 1.7K b4 cpf. She brings 1.4? 1.5K?
That will total up to bt 3.1K. Got 2 very young boys where one is a big time SETAN.
& 1 maid whose pay is quite low- $350?
Children expenses (1 mth) - $200
Utlities bill - $0 cos the bill hovers ard $320. so my mum pays $230 every mth, itu pun baru2 gak cos few mths back i found out she paid $250 n i nagged at her, so the bal he's suppose to pay.
But he never pay. So the unpaid ones he kept rolling them forward. Jadi he still has outstanding balance of $8++. Bodoh kan...nk kirakan mummy bayar extra tau cos we only at home at night.
Btw, e 2nd mth we moved in, PUB cut our power supply. To switch it back on muz pay $700. So who came to the rescue other than my Mother! N we kept it a secret frm ur wife so that she wun kill u. N now she tinks that mummy tk bayar langsung or bayar pun ckit2.
Mummy is obviously not stupid. She created an online account with PUB to check the bills and transactions. Thats how we noe he din pay and dat he had once lied to us saying the bill shot up to $4++. Pls lah...tink she stupid ah. But she still give in n paid $270. The bill was only $330. (n dats when i came in n took action)
Tel bills - $0
Hp bills - Hes using prepaid card
Brg dapur - Not much..cos they only buy for themselves (e wife lah cos my uncle not lokek one;he buys for e whole family) she only buy vege n meat for her kids. E rest frm rice to oil to detergent to eggs to everything else lah-my Mother
Cable vision - $0
Credit card - $500
Transport - $250
So roughly, mthly expenditure is bt $1500
Therefore, we dunno where the hell their money go n y they keep saying 'no money'.
See, i told u i can be double calculative n i can go on forever being calculative.

E wife also attitude problem. I can understand she being a clean freak.
Knowing her, if she cant get at us, unrelated issues also she can bring up.
Pick a fight with us. Buang muka lah...honestly we dun care.
Haha which is y dia lagy marah cos we being non-chalant.

There is more that i hv to say but i dun fil like bad-mouthing anymore.
Peace. No war. :I

BANG!
11:20

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

How can i be an understanding sister and a good daughter at the same time?
At most times, i try to understand them. Like smoking? Making out? Drinking?
Yes..i do understand as i tried it first. I learnt it all first. Made the first few mistakes (well okay...a whole lot of them)

But the bottomline is, i tried and has been successful at keeping it away from my Mummy n Atok. I dont care if frens and enemies wanna call me a two-faced or a hypocrite.
My ultimatum goal is to not hurt their feelings and embarass them.
Especially Mummy

No matter how sinful or even the smallest shit.
Biar pecah dlm perot (not sure if this is rite cos i suck at peribahasa), something3...
I would rather carry the sinful secrets by myself till death touches my shoulder.

If u wanna do shit, then shit happens, dont trouble others but urself. Especially ur parents.
Ure lucky if u hv great frens like my Monsters Inc.
Dig it up and cut it clean urself.

So fucking stupid are my lambs. Brainless...idiots.
1stly, they are all worst liars. So obviously the hand that rocks the cradle would definitely know that. And yet, they keep lying without realising how stupid they are in her eyes.

2ndly, when you cant save yourself, surrender. Face the music. You are still in fucking secondary schs. Mummy still buy for u ur undergarments. Even i buy for them when i have extra cash.
There's no way out. U cant settle it urself. Like duh! U guys cant even look after urself. Dumbheads

I have been lenient to them. I have not beaten them up since forever. maybe that's why they besar kepala. For me, if you dun get into trouble with Mmy, the law or sch, i can close 1 eye.
But now, EVERYONE IS FUCKING INVOLVED!!

AND I AM FUCKING PISSED!!!

Y? Cos i got assed up by my dad too for being ignorant or not knowing or rather not wanting to know on the daily routines of my stupid, fucking, idiotic siblings. Cos y? Cos i got no sch but i always go out from afternoon till late nite. Like HELLO!!! im fucking turning 21 n ure telling me that now? :-><

Plus i went out with Ady and not go out clubbing n coming home drunk or not coming home at all. Please...i go out like 3 times a week seh. Tk byk kan?? Haiz...good enough i dun mix around wit peeps frm TP that much anymore or i can guarantee u that i wun be home on time or at all...

I am trying my very best to be a good daughter n a good sister. Who listens to my parents and simultaneously understand the current changes that my lambs go thru this hormone thingy shit. But where do i draw the line?
I tried to be understanding n good to u guys but seems like u guys juz take advantage of my gentle warnings. Looks like i have to draw the line closer to the edge. So anyone who crosses over the line will be pushed over the edge.

And pray that my angst is still here tomorrow as i intend to fuck and give them a taste of my strength.

BANG!
22:34

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Im bored. Slept at 3 and woke up at 5.
Tried to sleep but to no avail.
Eyes wide open. Toss and turns.
But my brain is still working.
Maybe im thinking too much.
Maybe i need a break.
But from what?? I am currently unemployed.

From my problems at home? Yeah...maybe.

I wanna run away. As far away from reality. Maybe go to the centre of the earth.
Or to some lost paradise. Or even space. :) Ok...im losing it, just a bit.

One treacherous journey after another.
When does it end? And im only in my early 20s? Wait...i am 20 years old as of 26th of August 2008, 0928hrs.

Wait...i hear a calling. A soft, melodic voice calling for me. How sweet and peaceful the voice is..

It's getting louder and louder.

Now, it is really loud. More like a Straight Line Stitch with Black Veil. The clashing of the cymbals. The strumming of Epiphone. A rhapsody that makes my head spin. My stomach churn.

Gtg. I need to eat. Sambal sotong has conjure to justify my hunger.

BANG!
09:21

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

Wats going on friends?

My first n last ppr ended on Mon. Hopefully i will pass it with flying colours cos i really did study. haha

Been bz with everything. My granddad passed away 2 wks back. So bz with the tahlil and all. It was the first time i actually kissed a dead body. Cold and still. It was good too that he passed away. Heard while he was sleeping. Im not being mean by saying that but he was suffering i guess. When he was alive, doctors found that he wasnt sick but if u look at him, i bet you my leg if u say that he isn't. Was speculated it had got to do with his ilmu thingy. But my dad finally spill the beans bt late granddad that his susuk actually da lama da kuar. It was a surprise as everyone say that the 'thing' was stil in his body bla bla bla. But to my eye, my late granddad was a good man. Only his curiosity was used as a weapon for Satan to lure him. which they had unsuccessfully failed. His susuk was just a trial. He wanted to feel and learnt. I wasnt closed to him before. and now, hearing his stories from my dad makes me feel a little regret that i wasnt close to him. i can barely rmbr him during his days when he was strong and abled. Only memories of his life of pain and weakness are vividly sketched in my heart. How sad...

Den come exams. (And shopping in between. I spent like fucking a lot ah! This time not food tau but on apparels.Im so mad at myself!) Den now back on my comp searching for jobs. ARGH!!!! The tot of working just stress me up. Im so damn lazy to do my CV n resume. Interviews lagy....haiyo....STress BanGat gUE!!

Dis part is dedicated to Yana.

Aku mimpi kau seh...da 2 hari turut2...i Miss u like crazy....i din see u at the exam hall tau. Or maybe its because of my poor eyesight. haha

I finally know why now we are getting ever more distant. I was sitting, playing air when suddenly i tink of u. N i realize y ure angry with me.

Cos i rmbr dat aida got tell me bt ur conversation with Al n im guessing that Al probably said that 'she is never gonna accept him u noe' kinda thing.

Well whatever it is, i din say dat. I told her dat 'she never tell me anything n den suddenly comes BB into her life. i tink it will take me some time to accept n absorb this whole thing'.

I gez Al had a different idea of what i said. Which is y Aida tell me not to get 3rd parties involved cos miscommunication is bound to happen. I hope u understand and dont let this get in the way of our friendship. Reading from dayah's blog, seems like u have a bit of a prob wit BB. Dun over react and be patient k. Cos someone like BB is hard to come by. All the other men are not like our men.

& to all,

Treasure the love. Cherish the moment. Sometimes we rmbr our mistakes and try to avoid making them again. Most of the time we take things for granted. Sometimes we ignore the very person right in front of our eyes. Most of the times we try to please others who will not stand by us.
One thing i learnt from this whole thing is that we cannot let any good opportunities to pass us by and not grab that chance. We need to value life and make the most of it which is why im not wasting time anymore n try to be my very best for everyone. To love everyone with my whole heart and soul. & to make everyone happy with every breathe i can.

BANG!
17:30

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Im not sure why but i have been thinking a lot lately on death.

I know it's creepy but i just cant help it.

It comes knocking in my head each time when im alone or when im on the bike with him.

It's really scary. The thought of death.

And coincidentally, i keep bumping into situations or things, say a book, website, email, etc., reminding me about deaths n the lot.

Who knows me better than myself.

I am so NOT ready for it. I dun have a relatively good Islam teachings on hand.

I am still sinning.

To be all alone down there, getting ready for the beatings.

Freaking out right now...Hundreds or maybe even thousands of years later baru khiamat den another million years of torture and sufferings in hell.

Then came the thought of my loved ones.

Atok, mummy, daddy, ady, kids, u gals..

What if i live only till tonight. or maybe tmr i die. or soon? 3 hours later? maybe 4?

Seram kan....

wonder what will happen to Ady. Cos i know he loves me damn much.

Even more than he loves his mum. i noe...dat is so wrong for him to say dat. Even i dislike it. i dun even wish to hear that agn. but on the other hand it really is touching.

how much i will miss him. his touch. his gaze. his tender sexy lips. his smell. his taste. his love.

den how less noisy it will be at home when im gone. No more Jim Carrey-wannabe acts. No more that voice complaining that she's hungry and dying. No more that monotonous singing of mine. No more...crazy stunts that i always do at home.

Den i will miss u gals. i dun get to see each and everyone of you get married. have kids..i dun get to hold ur babies. i will not get to know if aida n yana will end up reconciling or become ever more distant. wah...so sad sia...........boo hoo :`(

N yes these are all frightening facts but it is also an eye opener for me.

I now treasure every single day that i have.

I try to live life to the fullest.

That i need to not ONLY excel academically, but religiously too.

The world is REALLY a temporary place for us.

I love Ady more everyday.

I appreciate even the slightest thing my loved ones did for me.

N to grab ever opportunity that comes and make the best of it.

Love you all!

BANG!
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